I Don't Believe In Myself

            For what it is worth, there was once upon a time that I believed that I could be anything I wanted. I remember as a little boy I would write little stories and comic books, staple them together, and then hand deliver them to my mom to read and validate my efforts. She always praised me for my talent and efforts. She truly believed in me and thought that I had a chance at becoming an author and I wanted so badly to prove her right.

            One thing that will always stand out to me was that my mom always read and because of that I read all the time too. I would go to the library with her and come home with stacks of books and then write in an attempt to mimic what I liked best of those books. I always wanted to be a published author, but I can’t even get consistent traffic on any of the three blogs I have started. I feel like a failure.

            I have been trying all week to remember the exact point in my life when I became broken and stopped believing in myself. I am pretty sure I was in my senior year of high school when I finally stopped fighting it and just gave into the deep abyss of despair that is giving up on one’s self. Now at the age of thirty-four going on thirty-five I have become stuck in this muck and cannot seem to get the footing needed to get out. The only reason why I try to move is for the sake of my girls and my eternal companion.

            It has been so long since I thought I could accomplish something of great worth that I have a hard time seeing any redeeming quality within myself, others claiming I am a child of God seems non sequitur. Yet I sit here in my home, wife having fell asleep on the couch and two beautiful girls upstairs in their warm beds. I don’t see what my girls see in me but whatever it is, it seems to be the same spark my mom saw in me as a child. I can see it in their eyes and it seems so foreign to me because I used to believe that anything good in me died long ago.

Yet here they are, both girls being the sweetest, most beautiful souls I have ever come to know and they are here in part, because of me, they are in extension of me. My wife stays by my side because she sees in me the potential I could only dream to see in the mirror the next time I look in it. My father who has never given up on me no matter how many times he was burnt for his efforts. My mom for believing in me, even though she didn’t live to see her son become the author she knew he would one day become.

Here I am in agony and pain because I have not yet given up, or given myself a chance.

Get Organized!!!

            I need a revolution in my life by any and all means necessary. The system is broken, corrupted, and no longer is successful in doing what it was originally intended to do. The old way of doing things are no longer working, it is the future man and times are a changing! I feel completely and totally oppressed and abused with no real way of winning with the way things are ran right now and I cannot, nor will not take it anymore! I need a change, the system needs a change, and it is time to rebel!

            In the past five years my life had change a tremendous amount and I have not been doing very well at keeping up with everything. I have gotten married, and two years later I had my first child. After some time my mother died and I lost a really good job two weeks after. Five months later I had my second baby on my first day back to school and from there the responsibility and the normal every day “to do” list has blown out of proportion.

            These days I am having an extremely difficult time keeping up with all my responsibilities. I have virtually no downtime and I have zero time to myself. I feel constantly tired and I am fast approaching a burn out. I know it is not because of everything I have on my plate, but it is due to the fact that everything I do has spiraled into chaos. I cannot take it anymore and I need a change. I need to find a way to get back on track, get “it” together and get organized. The question is how?

            To be continued…

Wanted: Joy in the Journey

When I was young I never really wanted to work a nine to five job so when I started working at the age of sixteen I was already going in with a bad attitude. Since then there has rarely ever been a time when I did enjoy the job I had at that time and that made things got from bad to miserable. Added to my attitude was the fact that most of the jobs I have ever had are ones I never wanted to step foot in to being with.

My first job was at “Peter Piper Pizza” which in retrospect not too shabby of a job. I got to eat free pizza and making pizza was fun. I did not care for the commute to Clearfield on the bus and generally did not want a job. Fast forward to after I graduated High School and I was working as a janitor at a local J.R. high school and really did enjoy what I did. I was able to give the kids a clean environment to learn in as well as having good people to work with. I had some “extracurricular” activates I enjoyed at the time and the environment allowed me to partake in that without issue. I also worked alone a lot which allowed me to work at my own pace and gave me time to think. Later down the road I ended up working for a telemarking company selling long distance to existing customers and then things you would see on infomercials.

This was in the total opposite spectrum of the job market I wanted to be a part of and yet, for the better part of thirteen years now I have been stuck in it due to being good at what I do and not having enough experience to do anything else (in the eyes of others). In this time I was able to be promoted at one job from a “Virtual Brand Advocate” to a “Web Community Manager” position.

I adored this job because it allowed me the ability not only to mostly work at my own pace, but also gave me much needed managerial and training experience. I also was able to mostly be to myself and yet at the same time, be social, it was a great balance. In addition to that I was able to use my imagination and give feedback which I really enjoyed. Sadly a simple mistake would lead me down back into the ranks of being on the phones, with a different company.

I am looking forward to exploring myself and my passion more in college because I am starting to get a picture of what brings me joy in the work force and I want to find and forge a path that will allow me to not only take care of my family, but also allow me to find joy in what I would be doing. This is important to me because I know I deserve better then to be stuck on the phones for the rest of my life!

Straight Outta….Legal advice?!

                As this blog is an assignment for a class I am taking at BYU Idaho, the response from class mates and my professor could possibly be interesting. The reason why I say this is because the inspiration for me post came to me last night from watching the biopic “Straight Outta Compton”, but before we get into the meat of the message here tonight, please allow me a minute to explain myself.

                Picture me as a young thirteen year old boy attempting to find himself in the different cliques that composed the landscape of junior high schools in the 90’s. I was in 7^th grade and up until that point I had never liked “rap” music due to the influence of my parents who was mainly into 70’s rock and horrid 80’s pop. One day after school my friend Courtlund and I returned to his home and he wanted me to listen to something different that I had never heard of before. The artists name was Ice Cube and the album was called “Lethal Injection”. Courtlund had me sit in a banana chair right next a speaker while he put the CD in his parents stereo. From there we listened to the introduction titled “The Shot” which followed Ice Cube pretending to be a doctor giving an apprehensive man a simple shot in the arm. Everything seemed normal as Cube narrated prepping the man’s arm for his shot when you suddenly hear, BAM! I jumped like a cat at the loudest gunshot I had ever heard to that point in my life and it was right then I was hooked. So when the biopic on a group I grew up listening to came out, I wanted to take a moment and see these men who I looked up as a kid be shown in what would be a different light.

            NWA as a group was founded by Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, DJ Yella, MC Ren, and Easy-E during the late 80’s. They pulled their talents together and put out a successful single titled “Boyz in the hood” which they recorded, and released independently. This single let them into the sights of one Jerry Heller who would manage them for the duration of the group’s tenure. It during this tenure that Jerry Heller and defacto leader of the group Easy-E pressured the remaining members to sign contracts without allowing them time to read them over or having proper legal counsel. The others like Dr. Dre felt backed into a corner almost being forced to sign because they had yet to be paid for their efforts. Heller used this to their advantage by waving a check for 75 thousand dollars in front of each of them in exchange for the signature he needed to keep milking them like cows. Heller and Easy where easily making a hundred thousand for every thousand the other members of NWA earned due to these contracts. They were being legally screwed over all because they did not take the time to seek legal counsel to validate the content of the contract.

            This movie served to be a public service announcement to someone who wants to explore the options of being an entrepreneur, consultant, or contractor in the future. Sadly we live in a world where someone’s handshake and word is not enough to guarantee they will fulfill their end and all three career paths will create times when a contract will be needed. I am going to make sure when I am ever in a position like this, I will have the proper representation looking over any contract before I sign it. If that a rift or if the other party objects then I will take my services elsewhere because I would rather be broke then screwed.